Mentor or Manager? (And How to Tell the Difference!)

When I say manager, I am not referring to managers in the work force. Managers in that field are, obviously, right, needed, to be respected, etc. Those are not the managers referred to in the context of this post.

Mentor or Manager?

We all have managers in our life. We all answer to authority. There are right and good authorities in our life that we obey. There are also mentors in our life: people who teach, exhort, and encourage us. If we're wise, we want godly mentors. And a lot of godly people want to be mentors. (We're commanded to exhort and mentor others by Scripture, after all!)

The problem is that a lot of people who want to be mentors are actually being managers. 

We never want to give someone false authority in our lives. After all, a person of maturity does not want to give false authority to someone who is just vying for the privilege of telling you what to do (when they don't deserve or ought to have the right.) Being a leader yourself means recognizing who is and who isn't an authority in your life. It also means recognizing when someone wants to be your mentor or just your manager.

So how do you recognize when someone wants to be a mentor or just wants to be a manger? There's a huge difference between a leader and a dictator. Sometimes you don't realize the difference right away, though. Here are a few thoughts.

In general, here are the characteristics of a manager:

• A manager usually tells you what to think. They are usually pretty dogmatic about their beliefs -- especially ones that are grey areas and should be open to debate. When there is an issue upon which there are many varying opinions and many possible correct conclusions to come to, they will usually insist that their opinion is the only correct one.

• If you chance to disagree with the manager, he/she usually endeavors to change your mind. Obviously, if your position conflicts clear Scriptural teaching or moral ethics, this is a good thing. However, many managers want your complete agreement on issues that are not always clear cut. Tactics such as guilt, manipulation, or personal disappointment often follow. If these do not work to change your mind, some managers will refuse to meet with you any more or express that you are not the person they thought you were (i.e. you had a mind of your own.)

• Managers may say they want you to think for yourself, but, in all reality, they want you to agree with them upon just about every subject. 

• Managers tend to be unreasonable with your time. They may expect you to be at their beck and call on their schedule. They may demand large portions of your time without taking into account that, if you're a mature leader, you have learned to balance your time and cannot devote all of it to any one person.

• Managers may expect you to follow all of their suggestions, as if a suggestion were the same thing as a command. 

• Managers don't always respect your season of life. They may be overbearing or condescending, treating you like a stupid kid or assuming you know nothing about life in general. They expect to be revered, although they would never say this.

• Managers ultimately want followers, not leaders.

• A manager may be someone you follow simply because of reputation. Reputation is not a bad thing, but it sometimes overlooks character.

In general, managers tend to be focused on feelings: feelings of gratification when you align your thinking to theirs, feelings of pride to be considered a mentor, feelings of superiority when they instruct, and feelings of dominance by controlling another person in the name of mentorship. Managers can be more self-oriented.

Compare all this with the characteristics of a mentor:

• A mentor teaches you how to think, not what to think. They are usually firm on their beliefs on issues that really matter, but don't claim to have all the answers in grey areas. They respect other people's opinions and are not offended when you may think differently from them. They usually focus on teaching you how to think wisely and make mature decisions, rather than simply telling you what to do based on their personal life experiences and personal convictions.

• A mentor is gracious with disagreement. If the disagreement is over a major Biblical or moral stance, he/she calmly gives solid evidence on why your position is wrong. If you disagree on issues that are not vital to fellowship and friendship, they listen to your side and generally point out what they both agree and disagree with on your stance. When everything is said and done, they are not angry or disappointed you disagree and do not throw you out for having your own mind.

• In fact, mentors are usually surrounded by people that do think at least somewhat differently from themselves. They are able to converse graciously with people they disagree with and are not easily angered by debate or disagreement. They encourage you to study, to search the Scripture, and point to several sources for continued research. 

• Mentors respect your time. They realize they are not your first priority, even if they are important to you. They realize you have family responsibilities, work, relationships, and other daily activities that are a natural part of life and take up your time. While they may expect some commitment, they are not unreasonable in their expectations for your time and energy.

• Mentors make suggestions, but are not hurt or angry if you do not always follow them. If the matter is a spiritual one, they will counsel you to read the Bible and follow the Holy Spirit's leading for yourself, rather than give you absolute directions to follow.

• Mentors respect your season of life. They understand you may actually have more life experience in some areas than they themselves do. They do not assume you are poorly educated, without life experience, and/or ignorant. As they are guiding you on how to think Biblically, maturely, and wisely, they recognize that the best teachers learn from their students. They are not above learning with you.

• Mentors want to shape fellow leaders, not followers.

• A mentor is generally someone you want to learn from because they have demonstrated great character and have made wise, mature decisions in life. They tend to focus on wanting to help, not to control.

I personally know some great mentors. They are truly fabulous people that I (we) have learned so much from. 

Are you being managed or mentored? 

There are some tips for figuring out if someone (or you!) is being managed instead of mentored.

• A managed person usually does not know his/her own mind. In conversation or when attempting to teach others, they usually refer back to their manager and repeat what they've been told. They don't usually have evidence of having studied anything out for themselves. When asked probing questions, they are often at a loss for answers because they were only repeating what they had been told to believe. Their conversations lacks evidence of research from multiple perspectives or any research whatsoever.

• A managed person who exude pride at being "mentored." Rather than being humble and grateful for what he has been taught (a characteristic of someone who is being mentored), he feels superior simply by rubbing shoulders with the person managing him.

• A managed person will generally not think outside of the box his manager has set for him. They are reluctant to disagree with their "mentor" figure, generally because they fear repercussions, are not being taught to think for his or herself, or are afraid of being unpopular.

• A managed person may be unable to say no to the expectations of his manager. He may sacrifice responsibilities (those that the mature person would recognize as being at the top of the priority list) to be at whatever event, doing whatever thing, completing whatever task his manager told him to do--most of which should have been lower on the priority list.

In general, a managed person feels good about himself while being controlled, rather than being a mature person who receives wise counsel and searches all things out for himself while still fulfilling his obligations in a responsible manner.

Is it possible for a single individual to be both your manager and your mentor? 

Not equally, no. 

Your boss may mentor you, but his primary and always underlying role is your boss. When everything is said done, whether he mentors you or not, he is still your boss. It's always a blessing when a boss has a heart for mentorship, but his primary position in your life is an authority. 

A parent may mentor their teens, but, ultimately, they are still a parent and therefore a manager. They set the rules. Mentoring may and should happen, but an authority still has a responsibility to BE the authority. 

A manager has the prerogative to be the manager first and foremost. Mentoring may or may not happen on the side. However, a mentor does not have the prerogative to be a manager. When this happens, the one seeking to be a mentor has assumed a false authority and lost sight of what mentoring is really all about.

It is up to the mature leader to recognize his authorities and obey them, guard against submission to false authorities, and humbly seek the advice of a true mentor--one who will point him to the Lord, not self; teach how to think, not what to think; and seeks to shape leaders, not followers.