Disclaimer: We believe in marriage as described in the Bible. We believe in a marriage built on Jesus, mutual love, mutual respect, submission (both mutual and the reverence a woman is to sweetly offer), the leadership of the husband in the home, the mutuality of sex, and that we are heirs together of the grace of God. We neither identify with the modern feminist movement nor the patriarchy movement.
We are open to discussion. However, we reserve the right to delete comments that promote abuse, misquote Scripture, or promote falsehoods that have been promoted throughout the centuries.
We are open to discussion. However, we reserve the right to delete comments that promote abuse, misquote Scripture, or promote falsehoods that have been promoted throughout the centuries.
We both read and reviewed it. Samuel and I talked for weeks about this book. But we were hesitant to publicly review it at first. After all, so many other people have come out against this book. There are many excellent articles on the subject. Who are we to think that anyone will care what we have to say? But we were reminded that there are some people who will only hear the truth if it comes from someone they actually know and love. We have much to learn and are far from perfect, but we believe that a person is never too young to recognize truth and error. Our goal is to express the truth in love.
So here we are to share why we think Created To Be His Help Meet is not only erroneous Biblically, but dangerous to the Christian woman and marriage. Please consider our thoughts with an open heart and closely evaluating what Christ and the Word have to say.
The false teachings of the book are as follows:
- hermeneutic errors in which stories of the Old Testament are allegorized and misused, as well as a return to patriarchy and the law.
- women are created solely to fulfill a man through marriage.
- all man's sin, sexually or other, is a result of women.
- wives must submit to abuse and reverence their husband even in the midst of his foolishness and a lifestyle of sin.
- women are responsible to help their husbands without actually having a say and must maintain the order and attitude of the home without ever assuming any kind of authority. They are responsible for everything that goes wrong without having the authority to actually fix it.
- women are not capable of discerning the Scriptures for themselves and must agree with their husband at all times.
There is neither time, nor space to address all of the issues of the book, but we wanted to hit on some of the deepest issues.
Samuel:
Created to be His Help Meet, written by Debi Pearl, has been a popular marriage book targeting women in conservative Christian circles since its publication about 12 years ago. Pearl and her husband Michael oversee No Greater Joy Ministries. They publish material on marriage, child rearing, and other aspects of the Christian family.
Pearl says that her motive in writing Created to Be His Help Meet is to teach young women as described in Titus 2:3-5.
“The aged women likewise...That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”
It is true that older wives should be sharing wisdom and insight with younger women. This is commanded by scripture and something that seems to be lacking in modern churches.
However, a person attempting to influence others in this area has a great deal of responsibility to lead people properly according to the mandates and principles of the Word of God. While Pearl does have some good advice (though not enough to make the book redeemable), there are some underlying assumptions in the mind of the author that did not come either in command or implication from God.
Also, there are some hermeneutic errors as far as some of the truths presented. Are these just slight errors, or serious problems? Does the book promote healthy husband and wife relationships? I read this book and spent a great deal of time in trying to understand what is being taught. And I found many unbiblical errors.
Alicia:
As a young married woman, I am pretty passionate about learning all I can about being a godly wife. I've had some great role models in my life and continue to seek for new mentors to pass on what they've learned.
But, when I picked up a copy of this book, I was startled by the overwhelming bondage Debi Pearl attempts to thrust upon women. Her every point was made by the underlying assumption that women are to obey man rather than God, that woman are created solely for the pleasure of man, and that we are still living in some kind of Old Testament, patriarchal system. Not only is this unbiblical, but it really is dangerous and brings women back under the yoke of bondage Christ died to set us free from.
Samuel:
The title and synopsis of this book contain several assumptions which are neither presented nor defended in the book itself.
“Somewhere over the passing years and changing culture, women have lost their way. This book is written to bring them back home. Regardless of how you began your marriage or how dark and lonely the path that has brought you to where you are now, I want you to know that it is possible today to have a marriage so good and so fulfilling that it can only be explained by a miracle.”
Here is a glaring first problem.
According to the Pearls, all women are intended by God's will to marry. God evidently created each women for the sole purpose of being a “help meet” for a man. On page 38 she states: “When a woman gets old and realizes that there is no man to to love and cherish her, it is sad indeed, for she has failed in the very purpose for which she was created – to be a suitable helper for a man.” And again on page 73: “What is God's purpose for your life? - To be a good help meet.” This thinking comes in part from a poorly researched, allegorical application of Adam and Eve to married couples today. Nowhere in the Bible does God claim to have created all women for the sole purpose of being a help meet for a man.
According to the Pearls, all women are intended by God's will to marry. God evidently created each women for the sole purpose of being a “help meet” for a man. On page 38 she states: “When a woman gets old and realizes that there is no man to to love and cherish her, it is sad indeed, for she has failed in the very purpose for which she was created – to be a suitable helper for a man.” And again on page 73: “What is God's purpose for your life? - To be a good help meet.” This thinking comes in part from a poorly researched, allegorical application of Adam and Eve to married couples today. Nowhere in the Bible does God claim to have created all women for the sole purpose of being a help meet for a man.
Additionally, the underlying theme is that being a wife is the only acceptable life and calling of a woman. In the synopsis, women are assumed to be married. This narrows the will of God for a woman, allowing her to only be a wife. This is in direct opposition to the words of the New Testament by the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:8,34:
“I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I (single)... There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.”
A wife can be pleasing to the Lord, but a single woman or even a married woman acting outside of her role in marriage, can also be pleasing to the Lord.
Women in scripture were sometimes recognized for leadership roles outside of their homes. Deborah is one of these (Judges 4-5), also Rahab (Joshua 2, 6:17,23,25), the woman who washed the feet of Jesus (Luke 7:37-50), and the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:4-30) This is just to name a few!
Alicia:
For me, this was just really sad. I love being married. I am definitely one of those people who is called to the ministry of marriage and can really serve the Lord better by being married. I love being a wife and wouldn't trade it for anything.
But I know that God did not create me solely to fulfill a man. God did not create me primarily for marriage. He created me for a love relationship with Himself first, to honor and glorify Him, and to serve Him. True, I do fulfill part of that calling to honor Him by being a wife, but only partially. My role as a Christian woman is much bigger than just being married. I have a walk with God to follow, a Great Commission to fulfill, a life of ministry outside of the ministry of marriage.
Imagine telling a woman who never married that she missed her only purpose in life. Can you imagine how devastating?! But that is exactly what Debi Pearl does. She literally preaches a message of hopelessness to every girl who is yet unmarried and to every woman who is a widow or never married.
The following quotes are just a few that filled me personally with extreme sadness for any woman who listens to Debi Pearl.
- “If you are a wife, you were created to fill a need, and in that capacity you are a ‘good thing,’ a helper suited to the needs of a man. This is how God created you and it is your purpose for existing.”
- “The only position where you will find real fulfillment as a woman is as a help meet to your husband.”
- “God’s ultimate goal for you is to meet your man’s needs.”
- “God has provided for your husband’s complete sanctification and deliverance from temptation through you, his wife.”
- “No single man completely expresses the well-rounded image of God.”
- "God's original intention was that a woman would spend her life helping her husband fulfill his dreams and ambitions."
I'm sorry, but that is NOT what the Bible says. Isaiah makes it crystal clear that we were ALL formed for God's glory. We don't exist suit the needs of men. "Even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him."
Women do not exist solely to be wives. Our lives are to honor and serve God, not fulfill our husband's dreams, and, although it is special and wonderful when we can, it is not our purpose for existing. We do not exist to be sexual slaves, nor is that God's ultimate goal for us, nor do men alone have sexual needs. And upright single men are not less of "men" because the Lord has not brought them their wife yet. That statement alone causes serious issues for Paul...and JESUS.
Women do not exist solely to be wives. Our lives are to honor and serve God, not fulfill our husband's dreams, and, although it is special and wonderful when we can, it is not our purpose for existing. We do not exist to be sexual slaves, nor is that God's ultimate goal for us, nor do men alone have sexual needs. And upright single men are not less of "men" because the Lord has not brought them their wife yet. That statement alone causes serious issues for Paul...and JESUS.
Samuel:
According to Debi Pearl, a woman is always at fault when she is the object of a man's lust. This is one of the most alarming points of the book.
The first paragraph on page 202 begins: “Jesus said that a lusting man commits adultery WITH a woman, not against her, meaning that the woman is included in the lusting adultery.”
There is no indication from the English translation or the underlying Greek text that this is the case. This would tend to lead a woman to unhealthy extremes concerning her dress. If her sole purpose is to keep poor men from stumbling, she would avoid wearing anything attractive. She would dress in burlap sacks to keep men from lusting after her, and if she was exceptionally beautiful, she would just wear a burka. But, alas, some poor fellow would be captured by her beautiful eyes and she would be responsible for another round of mental adultery! If a man could pervert his mind to the point that he imagines cleavage when he sees a woman's bare toes, a woman cannot be held responsible for making him stumble by wearing open-toed shoes!
Pearl uses the story of David and Bathsheba on page 207: “Because Bathsheba was indiscreet, she caused great calamity, resulting in the bloodshed and suffering of many. Her lack of discretion cost her husband his life, his comrades-in-arms their lives, her baby son his life, and the integrity of one whom God upheld as a man after his own heart.”
Nowhere in scripture does God correct Bathsheba for being careless or indiscreet. God places all the blame squarely on David. The Bible clearly says: “the thing that David had done displeased the LORD”. If Bathsheba was responsible in part or whole for David's actions, God could have told us of her correction.
A woman is responsible for the way that she dresses. She will surely answer to God for any evil motives. But, as men, we cannot blame a woman for our sinful thoughts. If her motives are pure and she seeks God's direction for the right way to dress, then what more does God expect? He does not expect a woman to change something right and wholesome based on whether or not a man can still manage to lust after her. A man saying “I am a normal male with a normal need, and the problem lies with females dressing so godless”(page 200), is a man that refuses to take responsibility for his own actions and seeks to blame his shortcomings on anyone but himself.
The first paragraph on page 202 begins: “Jesus said that a lusting man commits adultery WITH a woman, not against her, meaning that the woman is included in the lusting adultery.”
There is no indication from the English translation or the underlying Greek text that this is the case. This would tend to lead a woman to unhealthy extremes concerning her dress. If her sole purpose is to keep poor men from stumbling, she would avoid wearing anything attractive. She would dress in burlap sacks to keep men from lusting after her, and if she was exceptionally beautiful, she would just wear a burka. But, alas, some poor fellow would be captured by her beautiful eyes and she would be responsible for another round of mental adultery! If a man could pervert his mind to the point that he imagines cleavage when he sees a woman's bare toes, a woman cannot be held responsible for making him stumble by wearing open-toed shoes!
Pearl uses the story of David and Bathsheba on page 207: “Because Bathsheba was indiscreet, she caused great calamity, resulting in the bloodshed and suffering of many. Her lack of discretion cost her husband his life, his comrades-in-arms their lives, her baby son his life, and the integrity of one whom God upheld as a man after his own heart.”
Nowhere in scripture does God correct Bathsheba for being careless or indiscreet. God places all the blame squarely on David. The Bible clearly says: “the thing that David had done displeased the LORD”. If Bathsheba was responsible in part or whole for David's actions, God could have told us of her correction.
A woman is responsible for the way that she dresses. She will surely answer to God for any evil motives. But, as men, we cannot blame a woman for our sinful thoughts. If her motives are pure and she seeks God's direction for the right way to dress, then what more does God expect? He does not expect a woman to change something right and wholesome based on whether or not a man can still manage to lust after her. A man saying “I am a normal male with a normal need, and the problem lies with females dressing so godless”(page 200), is a man that refuses to take responsibility for his own actions and seeks to blame his shortcomings on anyone but himself.
Alicia:
I was blown away by some of Debi Pearl's quotes. Honestly, her view of men's sexuality is crude and low. Her entire book writes about men as if they are naturally some kind of beastly, fleshly sex addicts who cannot see a woman's natural, God-given shape without lusting or worse.
She gives a very disgusting example of a man who was once exposed to porn and, therefore, the poor fellow simply could not control his thoughts when he saw a Christian woman dressed in a short skirt (page 204.) It is a section of the book I could not in any good conscience describe due to the pornographic nature of her descriptions of a lusting male. Additionally, while her description of what presumably could happen to a man who sees a woman in a short skirt is not only disgusting, it's also physically impossible. However, a young, unmarried woman reading this book would know no better and would be trapped into the lie that she is responsible for any sick and lewd thoughts of a man.
The above lie (in which a woman is somehow responsible for every thought of a man) has provoked real-life rules I personally know of. These rules include no wet hair in the presence of a man, no open-toed shoes, no lettering of any kind of a shirt, and so forth--all designed because a man somewhere, in some place, had sick thoughts. Many extreme rules are imposed upon women because churches have bought into the lie that women are 100% responsible. However, as my husband pointed out, this teaching would really require a woman to dress in a burka and wear sunglasses, lest any man should ever "stumble" by catching a glimpse of something that he might lust after. Both men and women are responsible to be modest, but it is for a far purer, higher reason than the lie that men are sick, animalistic lusters who continually see woman as sex objects.
Forgive me if I refuse to approve of a book that both gives a sick, low, and false impression of our wonderful brothers in Christ and binds women in guilt, legalism, and fear.
Not only does she take the stance that men somehow have a greater sexual need than women (a lie introduced to the church throughout various generations), but she claims that we exist for the purpose of fulfilling them. Therefore, if your man lusts after another woman, you are at fault for somehow not fulfilling him. And the other woman who was lusted after is also at fault. Never the man.
She gives a very disgusting example of a man who was once exposed to porn and, therefore, the poor fellow simply could not control his thoughts when he saw a Christian woman dressed in a short skirt (page 204.) It is a section of the book I could not in any good conscience describe due to the pornographic nature of her descriptions of a lusting male. Additionally, while her description of what presumably could happen to a man who sees a woman in a short skirt is not only disgusting, it's also physically impossible. However, a young, unmarried woman reading this book would know no better and would be trapped into the lie that she is responsible for any sick and lewd thoughts of a man.
The above lie (in which a woman is somehow responsible for every thought of a man) has provoked real-life rules I personally know of. These rules include no wet hair in the presence of a man, no open-toed shoes, no lettering of any kind of a shirt, and so forth--all designed because a man somewhere, in some place, had sick thoughts. Many extreme rules are imposed upon women because churches have bought into the lie that women are 100% responsible. However, as my husband pointed out, this teaching would really require a woman to dress in a burka and wear sunglasses, lest any man should ever "stumble" by catching a glimpse of something that he might lust after. Both men and women are responsible to be modest, but it is for a far purer, higher reason than the lie that men are sick, animalistic lusters who continually see woman as sex objects.
Forgive me if I refuse to approve of a book that both gives a sick, low, and false impression of our wonderful brothers in Christ and binds women in guilt, legalism, and fear.
She even goes so far as to claim that women are solely responsible for all the sin of man. I quote: “Adam, the first man, Samson, the strongest man, Solomon, the wisest man, and even David, the man listed as being after God’s own heart, were all brought down by the women they loved.” This is wrong. These men were not brought down by the women they loved. They were brought down by a lust and disobedience that was brought about by their own bad decisions, not women in general.
Debi Pearl claims that a lack of sexual desire is actually a sin in her quote, "Hopefully, you didn't realize that your lack of sexual interest in your husband was sin, but you know now."
Um, hello, where does it say that in the Bible?! Any simple study of both men and women's hormones and the different phases of life reveals that sexual desire is not 100% controlled in the mind. It simply isn't. Stress, sickness, change, hormones, and much, much more contribute to a lack of sexual desire. Yet, she ungraciously and unbiblically terms it "sin" for a woman to say no. Not a man. Apparently, it's his right to do whatever he wants. But a woman can never say no. Not only is this nothing short of abusive, but the Bible talks much about the mutuality of sex and never claims that one spouse has more say than the other. This goes against everything the Bible teaches on marriage as a representation of Christ and His church, true charity, and what it means to mutually submit to each other.
She additionally teaches in page 170 that women have no right to their own comfort. Their husband should total access to them even if they are in extreme pain. That's abuse, folks.
She additionally teaches in page 170 that women have no right to their own comfort. Their husband should total access to them even if they are in extreme pain. That's abuse, folks.
Another quote that blew me away was as follows: "Wife, it is your God-orgained ministry to your husband to be his totally enthusiastic sex partner, ready to enjoy him at all times. To do less is a grave error. If you love your husband as God commands, you will always seek to give him pleasure. In so doing, you will fulfill your role as his suitable helper."
I sincerely though that marriage was more than just being sexually enthusiastic for him at all times. I really thought it was about mutual love, mutual respect, friendship, strengthening each other for the ministry, and serving together in the ministry. Yes, sex plays a huge part of the marital relationship. It's great. It's beautiful. It's awesome. But it's also mutual. Women have as real of needs as men. The mere idea that we exist to fulfill sexual needs is low and blasphemous to the God who created us for His pleasure--not man's.
Serving one's husband is a beautiful thing and, of course, is to be encouraged. However, it is never to be encouraged in the abusive level this book takes it. Marriage is meant for both man and woman to love, edify, honor, serve, and respect each other, not just women.
"Has your husband reviled you and threatened you? You are exhorted to respond as Jesus did. When he was reviled and threatened, he suffered by committing himself to a higher judge who is righteous. You must commit yourself to the one who placed you under your husband’s command. Your husband will answer to God, and you must answer to God for how you respond to your husband, even when he causes you to suffer. Just as we are to obey government in every ordinance, and servants are to obey their masters, even the ones who are abusive and surly, ‘likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands’…You can freely call your husband ‘lord’ when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your husband’s hands just as our Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities…When you endure evil and railing without returning it, you receive a blessing, not just as a martyr, but as one who worships God.”
Serving one's husband is a beautiful thing and, of course, is to be encouraged. However, it is never to be encouraged in the abusive level this book takes it. Marriage is meant for both man and woman to love, edify, honor, serve, and respect each other, not just women.
Alicia:
One of the scariest issues of this book is Debi Pearl's take on abuse. I quote:
“Mr. Command Man: They are known for expecting their wives to wait on them hand and foot. A Command Man does not want his wife involved in any project that prevents her from serving him... Command Men have less tolerance, so they will often walk off and leave their clamoring wife before she has a chance to realize that she is even close to losing her marriage... She is on call every minute of her day. Her man wants to know where she is, what she is doing, and why she is doing it. He corrects her without thought. For better or for worse, it is his nature to control.”
“A husband has authority to tell his wife what to wear, where to go, whom to talk to, how to spend her time, when to speak and when not to, even if he is unreasonable and insensitive."
"Dominance and control are always masculine characteristics."
In other words, she categorizes away a selfish and narcissistic husband, titling him a Mr. Command Man. However, Jesus did not categorize away sin by giving men different titles and thus making allowances for bullying or abuse. Nowhere in Scripture are men given the right to demand submission or obedience. There is no place in Scripture that gives men the right to break their wife's spirit and curtail all liberty. Instead, we are to be heirs together of the grace of life and give honor to each other.
Girls, if you meet a man who wants to control every aspect of your life, run. And run fast. He is not a Mr. Command Man. He is exhibiting sinful dominance, control, and the attitude of a tyrant--not a godly husband. Dominance and control are not attributes of a godly man in Scripture. There is a world of difference between a confident, God-fearing leader and a dynasty-minded tyrant.
But it gets worse.
"To those of you who are enduring verbal and physical abuse, we realize that statistically, you are likely to remain with your husband. It is therefore important that you understand how to speak and conduct yourself in a way that will maintain your physical and emotional safety and ultimately win your husband."
In other words, you are responsible for your own safety by treading on tiptoe around your hostile man, saying what he wants to hear and anticipating his every want to ease his anger.
Michael Pearl weighs in on this issue and actually says the following:
Girls, if you meet a man who wants to control every aspect of your life, run. And run fast. He is not a Mr. Command Man. He is exhibiting sinful dominance, control, and the attitude of a tyrant--not a godly husband. Dominance and control are not attributes of a godly man in Scripture. There is a world of difference between a confident, God-fearing leader and a dynasty-minded tyrant.
But it gets worse.
"To those of you who are enduring verbal and physical abuse, we realize that statistically, you are likely to remain with your husband. It is therefore important that you understand how to speak and conduct yourself in a way that will maintain your physical and emotional safety and ultimately win your husband."
In other words, you are responsible for your own safety by treading on tiptoe around your hostile man, saying what he wants to hear and anticipating his every want to ease his anger.
Michael Pearl weighs in on this issue and actually says the following:
"Has your husband reviled you and threatened you? You are exhorted to respond as Jesus did. When he was reviled and threatened, he suffered by committing himself to a higher judge who is righteous. You must commit yourself to the one who placed you under your husband’s command. Your husband will answer to God, and you must answer to God for how you respond to your husband, even when he causes you to suffer. Just as we are to obey government in every ordinance, and servants are to obey their masters, even the ones who are abusive and surly, ‘likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands’…You can freely call your husband ‘lord’ when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your husband’s hands just as our Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities…When you endure evil and railing without returning it, you receive a blessing, not just as a martyr, but as one who worships God.”
Yes, ladies. If your husband is beating and raping you, you must respond by continued obedience as a martyr. Unbelievable.
Please, ladies, never believe the lie that God demands you suffer as some kind of martyr enduring abuse. That is not the heart of the God of the Bible. There is no command in Scripture that imposes this upon women. God never commands women to remain in danger.
There are many, many quotes commanding women to love, reverence, and stand by their man through his "troubles" of lust, adultery, and fornication. I'm sorry, but marriage is not a licence to enable sin. Women were never meant to be enablers of sin, turning a blind eye to sins Jesus strictly forbids. We as Christians are instructed to edify, exhort, disciple, and even discipline each other (church discipline.) We were instructed to obey God rather than man. Ladies, you are never called to be an enabler of sin.
Samuel:
So, a wife who sticks it out through abuse from her husband is more spiritual than the one who leaves because of abuse?!
On pages 126-127 in “Queen for the Day”, Pearl uses a letter from “Judy”. Judy's husband committed adultery against her many times, yet she did not leave her husband. Judy is held up as a wonderful example of a faithful, submissive wife. However, according to Scripture, fornication is grounds for divorce. There is nothing wrong if a woman chooses to stay with her husband, but there is no obligation for her to stay according to Scripture.
Also, there is a story about “Sunny” (pages 132-134.) Sunny suffered various physical abuses including attempted murder before winning the heart of her husband. She chose to submit and love instead of leave, and her husband eventually came around.
In both of these examples, Pearl fails to give a balanced view. The wife who stays is seen as good and spiritual, but her rightful grounds for leaving are not given the same attention. A woman reading this book would be inclined to believe that she is a better woman for staying. However, a wife is permitted to leave her husband according to 1 Corinthians 7:11, “But and if she depart [the wife from her husband], let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband...” She is allowed to depart in all cases. There are times when a wife should leave her husband. There are times when she can remarry. Sometimes, a woman just needs to get out to protect herself or her children. One is not necessarily a better wife for staying, nor less of a woman for leaving.
(Nor does the woman who stays have the promise that her husband will repent. Abusers are not rational people who just need extra respect in order to turn their hearts toward their victims.)
(Nor does the woman who stays have the promise that her husband will repent. Abusers are not rational people who just need extra respect in order to turn their hearts toward their victims.)
Alicia:
What if your husband molests your children?
Debi Pearl admits you may call the police, but instructs women to take their children to see him in jail 3-4 times a year (page 174.) Apparently, the child will heal from sexual abuse by having the satisfaction of seeing his father in jail and will be able to forgive him.
Wow. Absolutely not. If a man molests a child, he loses all rights to ever see them again. (As far as I am concerned, he loses right to his own life, too.) A child will NOT heal by visiting the man who molested them. A child deserves the safety and healing of only being with those who love and honor them. It breaks my heart to think that a woman who calls herself a Christian would dare teach that children be exposed on a personal level to their molesters.
Samuel:
On the issue of spirituality, Debi Pearl states that women are unqualified to seek spiritual knowledge for themselves. On page 107, she states: “[Eve] was meant to be Adam's helper, but she helped herself to spiritual knowledge and acted independently, becoming his downfall instead of his help meet.”
On page 231, Pearl holds up a conversation between her daughter and husband as a good example of submission: “When our first daughter was just two months away from being married, she asked her daddy a theological question. Remember now, she was a graduate of Bible college and had spent three years on the foreign field as a missionary. But, rather than answer her, as he had been doing for the previous 26 years, he told her, “I cannot answer your Bible questions, for you now believe what your husband believes. He will be your head, and you will follow him...”
Not only is a wife forbidden to have an opinion slightly different than that of her husband concerning some apparently minor theological point, but also she is assumed to be incompetent in discerning spiritual things on her own. If she is not allowed to get theological insight from her own father, it is assumed that she should not get insight from any other sources apart from her husband. Is she permitted to reference a Bible commentary in her personal Bible study? Is she even capable of understanding the Bible when she reads it for herself?
A theological view that attempts to prevent a woman from thinking for herself in spiritual matters is strangely reminiscent of a time in church history when only a certain elite group was allowed to interpret the scriptures. God wants every man and woman to know Him and have a personal relationship with Him. Every believer has access to the throne of God and the rich promises found in the scriptures.
Alicia:
I was once told by someone that God did not create me in His image and that women cannot have as deep a relationship with Him as men. I was also told that all women are silly and continually prone to deception, unable to function spiritually without a man to teach them.
The above teachings are the heart of Created To Be His Help Meet. Laying aside the dangers of the physical abuse, misogyny, narcissism, and dominance this book teaches women to embrace, the teaching that women are incapable of interpreting the Bible for themselves is dangerous enough to throw the book away over.
Not only is a wife forbidden to have an opinion slightly different than that of her husband concerning some apparently minor theological point, but also she is assumed to be incompetent in discerning spiritual things on her own. If she is not allowed to get theological insight from her own father, it is assumed that she should not get insight from any other sources apart from her husband. Is she permitted to reference a Bible commentary in her personal Bible study? Is she even capable of understanding the Bible when she reads it for herself?
A theological view that attempts to prevent a woman from thinking for herself in spiritual matters is strangely reminiscent of a time in church history when only a certain elite group was allowed to interpret the scriptures. God wants every man and woman to know Him and have a personal relationship with Him. Every believer has access to the throne of God and the rich promises found in the scriptures.
Alicia:
I was once told by someone that God did not create me in His image and that women cannot have as deep a relationship with Him as men. I was also told that all women are silly and continually prone to deception, unable to function spiritually without a man to teach them.
The above teachings are the heart of Created To Be His Help Meet. Laying aside the dangers of the physical abuse, misogyny, narcissism, and dominance this book teaches women to embrace, the teaching that women are incapable of interpreting the Bible for themselves is dangerous enough to throw the book away over.
Ladies, the Holy Spirit is your teacher. You have the Word of God and a brain. Yes, ask your husband your questions. Study them out together. Enjoy the beauty of having your husband point you to Jesus when you need it. After all, as your head, your husband is supposed to gently point you to Jesus and be a spiritual example. But you are ultimately responsible for your own spiritual growth. Your husband cannot force your relationship with God. You have a conscience. And Jesus is as real and open to you as He is to your husband.
"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus."
Oh, by the way. It's okay to have different opinions. It really is. I'm not talking about one spouse being a heretic. I'm simply saying love and respect are built on honoring each other and understanding that God created each of us to have our own likes, dislikes, opinions, consciences, and brains.
Samuel:
This is a small point, but it bothered me. According to Pearl, wives are to submit to their husbands at all times, yet they are still somehow responsible to take the lead in “fixing” broken/dysfunctional marriages. Why write a book about taking the lead to solve marriage problems and address it to the one in the relationship who has neither right nor responsibility to resolve issues? Pearl would tend to make the average wife in a rocky marriage feel responsible for the condition of her home.
Alicia:
There were a LOT of underlying themes of female manipulation that really bothered me. Since wives are taught to stand by their husbands when he is committing adultery, Pearl instructs women to win them back with seduction. When husbands are blatantly sinning, wives are taught to woo them from sin with charm--instead of confront sin. Apparently, their goal is to simply get their husband back, not point him to Jesus and repentance.
Additionally, wives are not to give an opinion or have healthy conversations with their husbands. They are never to give a different opinion or even raise concerns if their husband is watching porn in front of the children. Pearl literally calls women who question the righteousness of exposing children to wickedness Jezebels.
Scary. It's as if she forgets that we as a Church are to be sharpening and encouraging each other in the Lord--especially in our homes.
Samuel:
Lastly, I think all Christians would agree that mentorship and teaching others must always be in the spirit of love. It is never God's intention for us to beat someone over the head with our conclusion (the only correct one, of course!) and call him foolish, dumb, or ignorant when he does not agree.
Pearl shows a distinct lack of love in many areas covered in the book. She includes a “Dumb-cluck test”(P. 218) for one woman to communicate that she needs to learn to fix things around the house, she calls “Sunny” dumb (132-134), kids dumb (184), and others. She refers to a lady on page 27: “[T]here was an overweight hillbilly woman who worked in the local store in our hometown...this woman was ugly, I mean, hillbilly ugly, which is worse than regular ugly.”
Talking down to people and rude perceptions of their actions seem to be a recurring theme. I understand that it is necessary at times to communicate tough truths, but leaving off common courtesy is not the way to go! The proper attitude is shown in Ephesians 4:1-2:
“I...beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.”
Also, 2 Timothy 2:24-25:
“And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth.”
A leader that takes his role seriously according to scripture will be firm, but still meek, gentle, humble, and patient.
I do not feel that Mrs. Pearl is competent to be a leader for women or families. What do you think, men? Should she mentor your wives and daughters? Why or why not?
Lest you think that we are the first to delve into the dangers of Created To Be His Help Meet, we've added additional links for you to read. We may not agree 100% with every word from these fellow bloggers, but they've all done great jobs on presenting similar/more errors than we had the time and mental energy to expose.
Created To Be His Help Meet: A Review, Sort of
Debi Pearl and Wife Abuse: Submission Doesn't Mean Putting Up With Abuse
Tim Challies: Created To Be His Help Meet
Crying Out For Justice: Created To Be His Help Meet Review
Debi Pearl and Wife Abuse: Submission Doesn't Mean Putting Up With Abuse
Tim Challies: Created To Be His Help Meet
Crying Out For Justice: Created To Be His Help Meet Review
We do not believe that Created To Be His Help Meet is redeemable. There are far too many excellent marriage books and blogs out there to compromise the safety and discernment of young women and couples by in any way endorsing anything about this book. This is not a book in which people can simply pick out the good parts. The entire foundation is built upon error, poor hermeneutics, abuse, shame, and legalism. We hope and pray that more churches see the light of God's liberty and stop promoting abuse and dominance in the name of Jesus.
